To the Little Girl I Once Wondered About
Letter to my younger self
When I was small, I used to lie awake dreaming about death, but also, who I would become. I wondered what my voice would sound like, what choices I would make, who I would love, and whether I would be brave enough to be myself.
Now that I’m grown, I sometimes catch myself wanting to go back. I imagine wrapping my arms around that little girl, holding her close, and whispering everything she needed to hear. I’d tell her she is beautiful - not because of how she looks, but because of the light inside her that never dims. I’d tell her she is unstoppable, even if she can’t see it yet.
I’d tell her she is strong. There will be days that test her, but every challenge will help her grow stronger and kinder. I’d tell her she will become her own person, shaped by her joys and her trials, guided by instincts she’ll only later understand. She will be smarter and more resilient than she ever imagined.
There are little boys now who look like me and move like me - they remind me of my younger self in the sweetest ways. Yet they are entirely their own people. They are brave, bolder, and more brilliant than the version of me who once wondered what the future held. Sometimes I wonder if I had to go through everything I did so I could spare my children the pain, loss, and trauma I faced - to break the cycles and make life healthier and happier for them and for future generations. They bring out the best parts of me and then surprise me with parts I never knew I could be.
I don’t always feel like a good mom. I struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and neurodiversity. I bury myself in work because it’s what I’ve always done to feel safe - it’s where I’m most comfortable. I don’t trust easily and I don’t always like being around people. My happy place is my bed and coloring book. Even though I know who I am now and have discovered what I love most, I still find it hard to summon the energy I had in that ‘getting to know myself’ phase - especially when it comes to keeping up with my kids. They are so full of energy; I can’t always match them.
Everything I’ve been through - the mistakes, the victories, the quiet days - has stitched together the person I am today. Those pieces don’t break me; they make me more whole, more compassionate, more real. Every struggle became a lesson, every ache a teacher, and every triumph a reminder that I can keep going.
To that little girl - and to the little girls who remind me of her now - I want to say: you are so much more than you’ve been told. You are unique, and your beauty runs deeper than recognition. You are my greatest pride, my deepest love, and everything I ever dreamed you could be. You are more than I ever dared imagine.
If I could go back, I would hold her longer. I would tell her to keep dreaming, to be kind to herself, and to never be afraid of becoming. Because the woman she will become is unstoppable, and she will make the world kinder simply by being herself.
xoxo,
-shiftmomunfiltered
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